Wow. I don't think I've ever been more tired. It's been a long week. Usually they go by so fast. We are expecting our first full house at the hotel. Well, planned full house. Tomorrow we have to clean the pools and clean rooms for new guests before we leave for church. I'm nervous because we also have to speak and church starts at 1!! My talk is pretty much done, I've been working on it for a week. I haven't really spoken in church since I was 16? And that was the third time giving the SAME talk on gratitude. So I haven't done it in awhile. Our last ward never even read our names. We entered the ward and 6 months later at tithing settlement our bishop discovered that our records said we weren't married!! Crazy. But we were never asked to speak.
Tomorrow I get to speak on Mother's. On Mother's Day! I was curious as to why they would ask me since I don't have kids but my mom said they probably want to give mothers a break. From writing my talk, I did finally realize that the reason we haven't had kids yet is the complete and utter fear of not being able to measure up. I can dive into something new head first, eyes closed and manage to get it done. But I have an exit strategy. With kids there is no turning back. Once you have that kid, it's yours forever. I can't even commit to items at the grocery store. "$5 for 4 oz of pesto!! Guess I can't make that dish." And I got married because I could see myself dating Chris forever anyway! But dating is a trial basis, marriage is something that follows if the dating works out. Kids.... I still find it hard to determine if the validation is enough. I sound like a horrible person, but I still wonder why people have kids because my mind is so business oriented. What return do you get on your investment. Talk about a high risk portfolio with not much diversity. If I have kids I can't do it half way. I want to make it my life, I want it to be the only thing I have to focus on. I want to plan parties, be a homeroom mom. Go to PTA meetings and organize the school carnival. My kids will all be class presidents because I will be their campaign manager and we'll make all the buttons we need. I'll take their soccer/t-ball team out for pizza. I'll be like my mom and win the spirit award at camp so many times (4) that they take it away because we were unbeatable!!!
I don't think I can work and have kids. I knew I couldn't do school and kids or I would never finish. As more time goes on I wonder if I am just becoming more and more selfish. I need Chris to switch out my pills with placeebos... I can't see it coming and then I'll be jump started into motherhood. Maybe I need that push. But in the back of my mind there is the paralyzing fear that failure is not an option. If I fail, I will be nothing. What if I produce a cynical person that hates me and the world or votes for Obama?! Just kidding.
How do you have kids and not fear. Fear that you or your spouse will die, you'll lose the roof over your head, they will be born with disabilities, or they hate you when they get older. I know the answers are in the gospel principles that I have been taught. But what if... what if... they make bad decisions when I know I taught them better. How can I look the other way and not be disappointed.
I already hear my mom and dad in my head telling me all the answers I already know and all those answers I wrote in my talk for church. But how do you know when its the right time. Looking at all my friends who have had kids, maybe the right time was 4 years ago, why am I not on the boat already. Did I miss it? When Kid Kunz the Magnificent pops out will that boat stop to let me on?
3 comments:
Breath woman. I've been a mom more than 8 years...hey I got pregnant 9 years ago this week! :) But really, if you really want to know? You tell Heavenly Father all your fears, insecurities, and worries, and then tell him you will do it if he will help you. Ask him, will he help you? He'll say yes. Then you ask him if now is the right time. He'll let you know. And generally he'll let both of you know...that helps too. Motherhood is the stuff champs are made of. It took me a good 6 years or so to really embrace it and stop trying to do other things. And now I'm at the stage where I know the Lord blessed me wtih more kids and then he took them away and I now just have faith that one day he'll restore that "more kids" blessing to me a few times over. Motherhood is a mixed bag. It is awesome it is horrible and it is who you are. I wouldn't be the strong person I am without the struggles Motherhood teaches me to get through. And some days I suck at it. Really hard. But I try. Love ya.
You stink. You made me cry.
Hey, I totally have an exit strategy! Someday, my kids will grow up and get married... the end. And then they must cleave unto each other and not me! But really, no matter what time you and Chris decide to have kids, I will be so excited for you. I know you don't have to hear it from me to know this, but I think you will be the best mom ever. And no matter how many mistakes you make and frustrations you have, your kids will think you are the best mom ever too and they wouldn't trade you for anyone else. Trust me, I've tried to get rid of my kids plenty of times and they just keep coming back ; ) lol jk... sort of.
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